It’s time for your close up!

It started a several months ago with an email from our realtor asking if we wanted to be on the DIY network? I wrote back telling him maybe, depending on what we would have to do.

This led to discussions with the show’s producer and an in-home visit. Last Friday we learned that our house has been selected to be on a new show for the DIY network called Restoration Realities. We’ll also be on the show doing a project on our house.

I found this description from a “Do It Yourself Network Fact Sheet” posted online:

Restoration Realities
Follow homeowners as they face the step-by-step challenges of restoration and share the beauty and history that make restoring old homes so rewarding.

Restoration Realities travels across the country in search of restore-minded homeowners and their great old homes. One home is featured in each half-hour episode.

I have to confess that we don’t get the DIY network so I’ve never seen the show. Has anyone out there seen it?

Now, if I was going to do a show called Restoration Realities it would be a little different:
1. Show the homeowner leaving to go shower at the gym because that easy do-it-yourself plumbing project wasn’t so easy after all.

2. See the crazy homeowner breakdown sobbing on the phone to a plumber, begging them to come after showering at the gym four days in a row because every plumber called was either too busy or never showed for their scheduled appointment.

3. Watch as your befuddled homeowner realizes that her 92 year old front door lock is broken and that no amount of key turning or praying is going to open that door. Watch her almost have a heart attack and cry out “Absolutely NOT!” when a locksmith pulls out a hammer and chisel to use on the 92 year old door handle.

Capture the stress on the homeowner’s face when she realizes that she is going to have to make a decision of ‘Sophie’s Choice’ like proportions. Should she enter from the back door and ruin the still wet finish put down on the wood floor only two hours earlier, after days of sanding and prep work, or should she sacrifice the front door or at least it’s original hardware?

Stay tuned because after the commercial break your crafty homeowner and her locksmith sidekick will break into the house through a window causing much dog barking and an ear shatteringly loud house alarm to go off. To make it even more special, make sure it happens to be the homeowner’s birthday.

4. Have an animal trainer on set to direct the cat to run up the stairs the second after the homeowner finishes shellacking them. Allow the homeowner to think the cat is quarantined and that her spouse is watching him to make certain the little escape artist doesn’t make a run for it.

Zoom in on the homeowner with paint brush in hand, standing there with her mouth agape trying to form the words…hear her scream (insert spouse name here, for our purposes lets just use Dave), “Dave! I THOUGHT you were watching him!”

Edit out the ensuing swear words for primetime viewing.

5. Have your home owner start a “little project” and watch how quickly that “little project” grows into a HUGE project resulting in taking a room down to the studs, ripping out a floor and basically rebuilding that room from the ground up.

6. How about a restoration fashion show? Have your homeowners sashay down the catwalk modeling the latest in tool belts, hammers in hand, clad in paint splotched tee-shirts and sooty, ground in dirt and grease stained jeans. The voice over can proudly say that no amount of washing, bleaching or use of stain removers will ever get these clothes clean again!

7. Feature the best fast food restaurants in a 30 mile radius around the homestead. Your homeowners aren’t going to be cooking any time soon because, chances are, on any given day they won’t have running water, electricity in the kitchen or everything in the house, including their dishes, will be covered in dust. Sealing rooms off with plastic helps but dust won’t be contained. It’s “The Invasion of the Dust Mites…”

8. Set up hidden cameras to capture the expression on the homeowner’s face when she looks in the mirror after an important business meeting and realizes she just gave a presentation to a room full of people with green latex paint in her hair.

9. Today on Restoration Realities watch as our homeowners come to grips with the Golden 3x Rule: Projects cost 3 times more than you had estimated and take 3 times longer to finish.

See our homeowner pick her spouse (insert spouse name here, for our purposes lets just use Dave) Dave up off the floor after he adds up exactly how much money they have spent on the house. Listen in while they try to figure out line item by line item how this project got SO FAR off budget. This episode is a fun one!

10. Ok folks, get ready for Restoration Survivors. Our new spin-off pits young couples against the most challenging circumstances, the most perplexing restoration problems, and the most annoying tasks. Will they be able to work together to overcome the stress, day after day, week after week while they are hit with unforeseen and unexpected difficulties?

Who will run out of money? Who will decide to sell? Who’s marriage will survive, who will split up? Who will be the last couple standing? Who has the strength and cunning to be our next Restoration Survivor?

All winners will receive a 30 year mortgage, plus their home’s resale value.